Thursday, July 1, 2010

resistance to moving forward with healing from cataracts

did this with Ingrid Dinter's teleconferencr recording on resistance to healing

Everything that resonated:
people won't help me if I am well
Why do I believe I need help? Is it because I feel helpless and powerless? Some part of me wants to say yes, I feel that way.

phenomenal feeling of betrayal in life
fear of it not working
fear of failure if it does not work
what if something happens again that I don't want to see?
I want to grow stronger, to face and confront the problems in life, to overcome and grow spiritually;

When my cataract disappears and my glasses are gone, I will feel phenomenal and so full of gratitude!
I will be so excited and happy that I can see! I will want to see everything again!
My family will be astonished and incredulous initially; they will then feel inspired to try to do this for themselves and I will help them.
It will feel incredible and joyful when I succeed!

after doing the eft for this resistance:
hard to say what I feel........I directly addressed the resistance and I felt a sharp pain in the top of my head.

After tapping with Anne:
I felt better, also agreed with Anne that I felt a connection with who I want to be.
I love the answer you gave her: that she is already connected with the universe and who she wants to be.

2nd tapping experience was too difficult to understand because everyone was repeating at different paces. I decided to listen to it again and to write down what I hear and try it again:

there are things we cannot change and another thing is how we feel about that

Even though I am afraid of the things I cannot change
the reality is there are always things I cannot change
but I am not afraid of all of them
I'm just afraid of some of them
I choose to feel surprisingly powerful!
I choose to feel in control
and even though there are things I cannot change
because what I have not created
I might not be able to fix
some things may be broken without me breaking them!
I think I should break more of my things!
Then I would be in control of fixing them!
I allow myself to be surprisingly calm and content.
And even though part of me
refuses to be a victim of things that I cannot change
I choose to acknowledge this part of me:
Honor and respect.
I am not a victim!
But it doesn't mean that life doesn't happen.
But sometimes things have come to an end to give room to new things.

even new things
until the old things are gone.

what if everything was designed in perfect order?
even though I don't have it my way?
I have the perfect solution for all the problems out there!
People just have to stop messing up!
They just have to stop doing what they are doing and do the right thing instead!
If I had it my way, we wouldn't have this.
and probably there is probably a lot of ???? (couldn't understand this) to that
and that is what hurts so much: that I don't have the ability to
make a difference here.

what if I had the ability to make a difference?
but I refuse to use it?
what if I had the ability?
and I could connect with what I think things should be like?
and instead of connecting with anger and resentment
every time I think of the things I can't change
I will think of the most positive outcome
that feels truly doable, appropriate and right for me

what if that is exactly what the next step should be?
what if I could feel what the next step will be?
what if I was constantly connected with the perfect solution?
without reliving this need to blame others for the situation as it is?
I know it is ?????? (can't hear this part) but things don't have to be the way they are
I can connect with the perfect blueprints.
I can allow myself to see the potential of the situation
and release my need to be angry at others
I am grateful for my life
it is a good life!
I don't have to have all the solutions yet!
The solutions will come as life unfolds.
I choose to be curious about what solutions we will find.
I love those who are helping me and others.

I am connecting with those who are helping me and others.
and I send them my love and appreciation

and even though I don't know yet
if the changes are going to be good
I choose to settle for nothing but good changes!
and even though I don't know yet how to do all this
that's okay, the universe is going to find a way!
but I know I am going to love who I am going to be.

and I release my need to change what I can't change.

I forgive myself for the situations I can't change
I allow myself to tune in to the new potential now
I am grateful for my life and the possibilities.
(take a deep breath)

(end of script)

I did this alone and it made me feel hopeful, grateful and more in control. I truly appreciate that!

Although I felt powerless before about things I could not change, I felt helpless before and this helps me see that there are things I cannot control and that I am wasting my energy trying to do that......

More EFT script:

even though I believe I have to be the manager of the universe
and everything is my fault!
and I am in charge of the world!
and I have to be in everybody's head!
and I have to understand all their reasons and motivations
I just can't let it be
what a scary thought!
I allow myself to relax
and even though I believe I have to be the master of the universe
I connect with the part of me
cuz if I truly wanted to
I COULD be the Master of the Universe!
just like everybody else
we are all the masters of the universe
I might as well enjoy myself
and I deeply and completely accept my power.
even though I am so freakin' afraid of my own self
I am truly powerful beyond the imagination.
What if I truly have everything it takes?
and then I just becomel ike everybody else?
or what if they judge me
and they don't like me anymore?
now I am powerful
and they don't know me like that
that would be a good problem to have
and I will let them deal with the consequences
after all I know that I don't abuse my power
I create with that
Even though I have a fear of my power
and a fear of the changes
I will have to make
once I step into my power
those better be good changes!
Because I will have the power to create them
to only make good choices
to only create wonderful things
i can't wait to get started
I am going to find out what todo with my power
I might even reach my goals
I might even exceed my goals
I can't wait to do that!
That pink bathing suit was not my size!
I can do better than that!
I have been waiting to attract the most amazing man and I have to get confident!
I can't wait to get published!

I can't wait to be the peace and center of calmness in the middle of the mess around me
a role model that people can turn to
at least I can be my own role model
It doesn't have to be easy to be successful
it just has to be successful
and I deeply and completely accept my power

How do I feel? More in control, more power in me.

(close eyes and connect with what I want to be, meeting my goal, see my victory while walking around and smiling; emphasis on creating and not reacting)

Suggestion for next time: mute all voices when you are speaking a script.

Friday, June 25, 2010

Happy Journal

Robert Smith says we need to take control of our trance states to empower our lives.
Take 22 happy memories to do this.
Remember a time when you feel comfortable/happy....recreate the feelings inside you. Use it to create new states. Remember and write down how good it felt, re experience the feelings. The more you do this the more you are in control of your life. We operate from our experiences.

1. Happy times: first best memory I remember was when papi took me to Drefke's for my birthday to buy me a coloring book and crayons. He was always working, always gone and never attentive and that day he was me! I felt so good. I felt loved and important....that I mattered.

2. Another happy memory I have is the way Mrs. Dewey treated me, never made me feel bad when I was late to school in the morning or after lunch....she always made jokes about it, and made me feel happy. I am so grateful she was such an attentive and loving teacher.

3. Another happy memory I have is when Miss Martinez chose me to be the recipient of the styrofoam chimney in Kindergarten. She had made it clear she would give it to the best behaved student. I tried so hard to behave that day. Others forgot and milled around her desk after lunch. I made sure I sat at my desk and sat quietly. I thought she did not not notice, but she did. When she got ready to give the chimney away, she passed by my desk and my heart sank. But she quickly turned around and placed it on my desk. My heart soared with happiness!!!
I was so grateful for that moment in time. I felt like I had been noticed, I did matter, I was a good girl.

4. I remember Mr. Badillo bursting into my math classroom in high school, yelling at me why I had not told him I had been accepted into Wheaton! I was surprised, shocked and pleased all at once; felt so good he thought the news was important enough for him to leave his office and to come see me in my classroom. I felt like I mattered and was important to him. It was a good and happy feeling.

5. I remember Mr. Stroud in high school taking the time to talk to me about the papers I wrote; he shared Siddartha with me, which was way above my reading level, but I made myself read it and sort of understood it. I felt good that he considered me to be a student worthy enough to read this material, which I felt was way above high school level at the time.

6. I remember some very happy times in San Antonio when I would come home from college and go drink tea with Margo at Luby's. We drank tea and talked and drank tea and talked and got all jittery and happy from all that caffeine and it was so wonderful. Those were some really good memories!

7. I remember a teacher at the school I taught in in Pharr who saw that I was overwhelmed with doing end of year stuff in cum files ....I had not had to do that in Ca and I was so far behind! She came to me and asked me if I needed help and I did and she sat down and helped me do the cum files for all 44 students (or more!). I was so grateful and so relieved I didn't have to stay another day! I don't even know what her name was !

8. I am so grateful for my grandmother Gertrudis, whom I never met, but she was such a powerful influence on my father and his education. Had it not been for her and her wanting the best for him, I would not even be in America and have a Master's degree.

9. I am so grateful for my mother, who pushed me to study hard both in English and Spanish. Had not been for her, I would not be literate in both languages and would not be in the position I am in. She pushed me to do more than I was doing always.

10. I am so grateful for my father, who worked so hard day and night to provide for us and to just be there for us. He did the best he could and I am grateful he was there for us.

11. I am grateful for my grandparents Abelina and Alonzo, who gave birth to my mother. Had it not been for them and their work ethic, my mother would not have survived and brought up as stoically as she did.

12. I am grateful that God gave me my son Alonzo for the 20 years he was allowed to be here. The experiences I had with him pushed me to grow as a person. He continues to push me to strive to grow. Thank you, God, for Alonzo. Thank you, Alonzo, for everything you taught me.
I love you.

13. I remember when Roy, Alonzo and I traveled to CA for Jillian's graduation in 2000. It was the last year I can remember being so happy. I remember being in the Grand Canyon and feeling the exhiliration of the height, the depth of the canyon, the brisk, gusty wind and the excitement of being in such a wonderful, energetic place.
I remember Alonzo's excitement in panning for gold in the redwood forest. It was so much fun to see him so excited. It made me so happy. I am grateful that I can keep that memory in me always.

14. I remember when I first saw Vanessa after she was born. I had never felt such love in my entire life and I felt such a sense of wonderment and awe that this baby had been in my body for so long and that I had struggled so long to have her. I was so grateful for the end of the birth and for my beautiful baby girl.

15. I was so grateful that Carla was such a good and quiet baby. She was so beautiful and so good. I was so grateful for that and that she gave me a pregnancy with only 5 months of morning sickness.

16. I am so grateful for the memory of Adan in his little brown boots. He loved his little boots and wore them everywhere, with shorts or pants. He was so cute, so verbal and so happy as a little boy. He was always so excited about everything he saw and experienced.

17. I was so grateful for those Christmases that the kids and I and Roy went caroling. It was such a nice and fun time we had together. I am so grateful also for the times we took walks after supper together through the golf course. I still remember the times that Alonzo plopped down to rest because his little legs just wouldn't hold him up anymore and Roy and I would take turns carrying him home.

18. I am so grateful for my professor, Dr. Ina Dinerman, who believed in me more than I believed in myself.

19. I am so grateful for all the young children I taught at Northview and all the special notes I got from them. They made me feel excited and happy and loved.

20. I am so grateful for all of the adults I taught in ESL classes. They made me feel so wanted and loved.

21. I am so grateful for all the children I counseled at RCES the first year I counseled. That was the roughest year ever, but I learned so much from them and I felt so good to help children and their families.

22. I was so proud of Alonzo when he went back to Dobie to talk about his experiences with drugs during Red Ribbon Week. It was very difficult for him but he did it and I loved him all the more for it.

23. I am so grateful that God allowed us to have this house when we most needed it when Alonzo was exiting Phoenix and was coming home. It was so restful and amazing to come home to a truly peaceful place.

24. In spite of the fact that Adan has rejected me for so long, I truly love and accept him and am proud of his achievements. I was proud of him at each baseball game he played, each basketball game, each soccer game, each football game and each pole vaulter event he participated in. I love him despite his temper and anger.

25. I am so grateful for my husband Roy, who has been at a loss for most of our married life to understand the dynamics of what was happening and did the best he could, as did I, to survive.

26. I am grateful for my life that God gave me and my four beautiful children and my 3 beautiful grandchildren.
The journey I have been on has been difficult and I am have learned a great deal.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010


Yesterday, I called in to EFT Radio and spoke to Marla M, who talked me through EFT for my eyes for what I saw when Adan destroyed the house.

I was startled in a good way to find that my eyes were weeping when she walked me through the process of letting go of the cataracts.
The key words were:
my eyes were horrified, especially my left eye (connected to the right side of my brain)
My throat was speechless (my feelings felt stuck in my throat)
I could not cry; I was in such shock, I couldn't feel; I was detached.

I continued tapping away yesterday and today on my vision and cataracts and I find I am getting less anxious, waking up happy, feeling more relaxed. I am not stressing about things I have not yet done and about my vision. The racing heartbeat is all but gone. I feel like it may have been related to my perception of my dissipating vision, especially when driving.

I also see that the cataract is mainly located in my left lower vision. I can access upper left vision; left lower vision is compromised. This seems to be the area that corresponds to the right brain section that deals with the past. So I will continue to tap away at my past feelings.
I have also noticed in the last 2 days that when I rub my eyes now, there is some matter that is coming out of my eyes. That wasn't happening before. Could it be cataract material? I can't say that I can see any better out of the left eye yet, but I am so hopeful.